can somebody please just fuckin kill me.

I CANT STAND the thought that somehow, you dont want this anymore?!
I cant live my everyday life without being reminded that I have NOTHING and NO DREAMS. And trying to figure out new dreams is a lot fuckin harder than people think.

I'm so glad that you're having fun, living the life that you think you can't live while having to commit to anything or anyone else.

I used to live for something. I used to have meaning, and purpose. And now, I'm just pathetic.

i've suddenly gotten this painful urge to start a new band, and sing in it.
cause i really cant keep waiting around for my band to get back together. i've got to do something with myself in the meantime, to keep myself from going crazy.

nirvana meets bowie meets fleetwood mac meets blondie meets pj harvey meets hardcore meets jazz meets kings of leon meets scarlett johansson

haaa yeah. how do i NOT know any musicians that would want to do this that are not already in bands?! the fuck is that?!

went to a battle of the bands last night at adelphi.. a friend of mine put the show together
it was fun, i only liked one of the bands from the whole night. but thats mostly because i cant stand whiney annoying bands who's front men think they're the shit.

the winners of the battle get to open for snoop dogg. thats right. d-o-double g.

can you just imagine if the lillapucians played last night, and won, and got to open for snoop dogg? how hysterical would that be?

sigh. but we're not actually a band anymore. so this is the problem.

going to see we fall as heroes tonight at the crazy donkey.. we're coming through.. you know it.

anddd then we play dozopalooza on the 30th of april. i'm very much looking forward to it.

i hope that Ryan's show is all ages on saturday... we cannot miss the first ex urgency members show. even if we still would much rather like to see the urgency themselves. ohhhh well. everyone sucks. and we're allllll quitters.


what am i saying? don't pay attention. i'm just aggravated today. and i cannot get rid of this headache.

letter to a song about new orleans

i've kind of been blah lately. everything either makes me sad or angry, and the things that should make me happy for some reason don't anymore.

you broke my heart, like it's never been broken before.
i've lost plenty of friends in the past, for reasons that i never understood.
i always just felt like i wasn't good enough for them. so they were done with me.

never in a million years did i think i'd ever have to protect myself from little old you. you, whom i've known for most of my young life. who grew up in the same building that my grandparents lived in. who i used to have such incredible fun with.

i always told you that no matter where our lives took us, that the day i got married, you'd be right up there with me, as my maid of honor. despite the distances that constantly grew over the last year i always felt that way. never did i think i had any reason to NOT feel that way.

one year for my birthday, you gave me a beautiful picture frame. you put a picture of us with another now distant friend in it. the frame had the word Friends engraved in the bottom corner.

today, i put that picture away. i was thinking of replacing only the picture, but decided that i didn't even want to use the frame anymore. it would have been a constant painful reminder of the beautiful person that i just lost as a soulmate. we always called each other that, remember? and how foolish of me to believe it.

people do change. time changes everything. we may all be in a very different place than we were two years ago, but i never thought that would truly separate you and i. you have no problem keeping in touch with other people that are in our social group. but me, you don't want to make the effort. you say its a constant roller coaster. you say things always go splat and you are worried that they will continue that way. well guess what? when you believe something enough, it happens. and our friendship just went splat because of you. because you were afraid that it would. you haven't truly opened up to me in a long time. you don't ever tell me how you're feeling. and lately its especially been about us. you're the one that caused the roller coaster. and you're the one that caused the splat.

it's breaking my heart, it really is. everytime i think about it i want to cry.
but i won't. because like i told you, despite what he thought years ago, he couldn't change me either.

so i hope you have a wonderful time with your "best friends". i hope you find a nice boy that treats you right and provides for you. i hope that you are happy. because although the "promise" that not only you and i, but that we all made to each other, was obviously a lie, you will always be a part of me. my soul, my heart, my laughter, my tears, you will be there for it all. i will always think of you fondly, and laugh about the times past. when i sing, know that i'll think of you. i love you. and i'll miss you always.


goodbye

Listening to: Swimmer One - The Balance Company

I need to start sleeping more. That bitter pain in my head is getting to be too much.
English class, killing time, work until sunset.
I wish they would keep me better informed at work as to what was happening with my job.
Am I losing it or not? Is there enough space for me to stay and enough work?
I'm hoping so because I don't feel like starting somewhere new.

I'm not good with change.

                            

thats us in a previous life 

those promises were lies

you're giving up without a fight
and I am left here to say you're right
abandoned here in the dark
all the wrongs left these marks
to fight the shadows on these walls
not enough heart to fight them all

it feels a lot like giving up
cause some aren't meant to change
not enough hope to fill the cup
when only one's strength remains

sleep now or they'll come for me
and chain me to the corners of my mind
my greatest fears
this one wish in the smallest shining star
that burned out long ago, that remains in dreams
but i am always awake

today is my Grandmother's birthday. i can't believe it's been 4 years since she's been gone.
"the music plays soft, but farewell Angelina."

i'm convinced that i'm just one of those people who are not meant to change.

it's complicated, is it? because i disagree.

i think we all reaaally need to start being honest with each other.

because hiding things really does no good.

i'm sitting out on my porch doing my homework.

except i am totally distracted, because its too gorgeous to focus on homework.

i'm so sick and tired of it all. i just really don't give a shit anymore. fuck it if nobody likes it.

on the other hand, i haven't felt THIS way in a long time.. but i don't know if it's real feelings or just the timing. eh, no big deal.

i'm just gonna stick to myself from now on, and keep my mouth shut.

and just do what i'm supposed to fucking do.

cause it always seems to do more harm than good any other way.

i'm just aggravated i guess, because it seems that i can just never be good enough for certain people, and i always wind up doing something wrong.

also like, why is it so hard for me to know what i'm really feeling?

i wish that i could just say it out loud, just once.

just to see how it would feel.

and what taste it would leave in my mouth.

but i know that i'd just get judged and told what some may think i want to hear.

i just want people to fucking be real with me. just be fuckin straight up. that so hard?

sometimes, i sincerely wish i could go back in time.

and change everything.

The Living Kind - Stand.
Definitely diggin it.

RIP Alex Chilton :( :(

"The city lights, the pretty lights, they can warm the coldest nights. All the people going places, smiling with electric faces. What they find the glow erases; what they lose the glow replaces, and life is love."

it feels so god damn good to have finally written a song.

it's still coming together. but my god.

i haven't posted lyrics in what seems like an eternity!

when the melody of my life

is beaten to its death

then the anger built inside of me

takes my last breath

when the world simply falls apart

will you still remain?

cause all of our hope is lost

waiting for the last refrain

-chorus-

oh it's a mad world

and i hope you find your way

you're living for tomorrow

while i'm living for today

oh it's a mad world

and i hope you find your way

you're living in disguise

well two can play that game

we're making plans

like you'll follow through

well i never meant

to lie to you

but i'm hopelessly restless

stripped down to bare bones

see cause i want it now

and i want it more

-chorus-

oh it's a mad world

and i hope you find your way

you're living for tomorrow

while i'm living for today

oh it's a mad world

and i hope you find your way

you're living in disguise

well two can play that game

hit the ground, fall apart

speaking in tongues from the heart

i can't scream any louder

you shut me out right from the start

-chorus-

in the end, do we begin again?

i'd like to think that i'm here for something, yknow? something that fucking means more than a routine, 9-5 kind of life.

most days i wish i could just snap my fingers and fix all that is wrong.

then i think maybe i'm being too selfish.

but is it really selfish to just want to be happy?

i've been trying to write again. i think what was stopping me was my lack of confidence without the rest of the lillapucians. and as exciting as it is that we're playing dozopalooza, i know that it's for nothing. because i know after that, it will just be over. and i'm pretty sure nobody will be re-inspired to want to be in this band.

reading another bands (ex bands) post about why they had to stop playing music together really hit close to home.

i mean we all live in the same state, and its not hard to stay connected.

but just the fact that i can feel where they're coming from, cause i was just there.

i am still there. its hard to give up your baby.

the lillapucians have been my baby since i was 14. i'm almost 20 now and i have to start over and find a new dream? a new love?

at this moment, i can't really say that i want to.

cause i want my baby back. even if it takes notebook style waiting..(7 years, "IT STILL ISNT OVER" sex scene).

oh yes. the lillapucians will have a reunion sex scene.

except some of you who personally know us, might be frightened that we might actually. LOL.

bearfact: NO MORE RULES!

nobody's going to get that. oh well.

i just got insanely distracted.

maybe i'll continue this one later.

new music project with Daniel.. how cute! there is finally some light on this week.

trying to gain some strength back in my fret hand.

fucking carpel tunnel. all i want to do is play guitar!

trying to figure out some songs. also writing like mad.

none of its any good i don't think.

i'm a little rusty with the songwriting.

still can't believe the urgency broke up, what the fuck! that is just wrong.

they were supposed to be music saviors! to make the music industry suck less!

oh well. i just wish we didn't always have to give up on each other.

it happened with my band too.

we stopped caring about each other and what we all wanted.

so we lost the ability to think rationally and compromise on the things we were doing.

that's what killed us i think.

but it's okay. we'll get back there. i know it.

it's not supposed to be over. i can feel it.

I have Dead Serious (lillapucians) playing over and over in my head.

What the fuck.

my favorite band in the world just broke up.

they were the ONLY current band i loved THAT MUCH that i went to see at all their tri-state area shows.

they were the only current band that still inspired me to be a musician.

fuck! we were gonna get show some spine tattoos.

we had always gone to all their crazy random middle of nowhere shows.

we were hoping for one soon cause we haven't really spoken to them at their last few shows.

busy busy!

i can't believe this.

all the musicians i know that once wanted to play original music for a reason, are just giving it up.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

what am i going to do with these 300+ stickers & posters from them?

and what on earth do i have to look forward to NOW?!

thanks guys! you just took away pretty much the LAST thing i had left.

awesome. thanks so much. yay.

i love how every time i try and contact you, you are nowhere to be found.

i love how even when i say, "we need to catch up, its been too long." i get nothing.

but then you have the audacity to argue with me that i don't ever make time for you.

and that you're not good enough for me except when it's convenient.

oh yeah, cause i only try and reach out to you every day.

but please do continue to ignore me.

and talk to your friends that aren't even here. and the ones that don't really care.

keep making plans with the one jerk in this neighborhood that is lower than scum.

that isn't actually a good friend, and is actually just a womanizing douche bag.

i guess i'll just hold on to this letter, from years ago. and that will be my reminder.

that once, you did care.

once, you and i were inseparable.

i guess i've just got the memories. i guess those will have to suffice.

i just gave myself second degree burns on my thumb.

i also wanted to play guitar tonight. fuckin' a.

must love dogs is on tv..oh john cusack. i liked you better in the 80's.

oh, and high fidelity.

GAHH

i've decided.

after a long phone call with a trustworthy friend.

that i need to start writing my own music again.

and even if i don't see a band right now, or a music career at all-

that i have to stop giving up.

i used to write for me.

some songs awful, some great.

most never given the chance.

i can't just ignore music.

my heart won't let me.

so this one's for you, baby. i'll do it for you.

i don't really care about what makes monet a classic artist. i also do not care to make up the reasons his paintings touch me emotionally.

cause they don't. fucking boring! ARGH

when we were fab

i can't really explain my frustrations to anyone anymore.

all i know is i'm just so god damn angry all the time.

i wish i could rewind back to whenever it was the band decided we were going to go back to the record store, and somehow prevent it.

cause now that the band is not a band, my life is in ruins.

and i can't pull myself out of it.

or i don't want to.

i don't want to be in another band, i don't want to write with other people.

i'm not even sure at this point if i want to be in THAT band.

i don't know what i want, and i think that makes me most frustrated of all.

disconnect, reconnect it all remains the same.

i've nowhere left to go, i'm tired of this game.

i just rearranged my bedroom.

to feel new, different. possibly to distract from all the things that are sad.

there is way too much sad going on right now.

these days

i'm feeling mighty alone.

three weeks ago yanique was shot and killed by her father. he killed yolanne and their mother too. last friday we all got together to remember them- old dynamix and new. we shared stories and laughter. we listened to yanique's songs. she always wrote beautiful songs. they made us all cry, some worse than others. her song titles alone were a cry out for help, "Scream", "Alone", "Room To Breathe", let alone what those songs said. we spent every day this week rehearsing for their wake on friday. we got strong through each other. we cried, laughed, and at some points, were completely numb.

but despite everything, we were together. for better or for worse, we had been brought back together.

the old gang. the music famz. everything my heart knew years ago.

anna wrote a song for yogi, it is beautiful. it plays over and over in my head and i always want to cry.

this has been the most devastatingly beautiful tragedy i've ever been through.